I’m Proud of myself and this week that I’ve made it through.
I haven’t really talked much on here lately but I was in a relationship for about four months. It started out fun and light, but quickly took a turn for the worse. He broke up with me, but then wanted me back. This happened twice, and trying my best to forgive him, I kept taking him back. Slowly I felt more insecure about myself and sank deeply into this depression. He told me he didn’t have time for me and that I didn’t matter. Unfortunately, instead of running away from this destructive relationship I clung on. I thought my kindness would help him and therefore make him a better person. Well he ended up cheating on me. He told me on Monday, and at that point I let go. No amount of kindness or encouragement could make him into the man I needed. I needed a man that appreciated my words and not the just the lips they’re delivered with.
I’ve learned so much this week
We have all hurt someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. We have all loved someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. It is an intrinsic human trait, and a deep responsibility, I think, to be an organ and a blade. But, learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human. We make horrible mistakes. It’s how we learn. We breathe love. It’s how we learn. And it is inevitable.
Tonight I listened to a voicemail you left me three months ago.
In it, you told me to go fuck myself.
I still remember that night.
I still remember those words rolling off your tongue so gracefully.
I remember wondering how someone so beautiful could be so cruel.
Two months ago I called you at three A.M.
I expected you to ignore it, or to send me to voicemail;
those were two of the things you were best at.
You answered and I felt my heart begin to race;
you probably thought it was because I missed you,
but truthfully it was because I didn’t expect you to answer,
and because I really had to pee.
I asked you how you were and you sat there quietly and confused.
It was like you forgot that I existed and that I was once a part of your life.
You told me “fine” and I smiled.
That was the last conversation we had.
I made sure to let go of you, and every negative word that was said, in a peaceful way.
Fast forward two months, and I still wonder how you are.
I still wonder how your dog is and if you’ve seen any good movies lately.
If you ever heard me say this, you’d probably blush like you used to whenever I said something sweet.
You’d probably think I think these things because I still love you, that I still want you.
But that is not the case.
You see, six months ago I was jumping through hoops to please you.
To make sure that you were happy before myself.
To make sure that I was the one causing your happiness.
But it is not six months ago.
It is now.
And now I simply remember you as a person I gave my soul to.
A person I told secrets to at 4am and fucked to feel a sense of closeness.
A person I loved, yes.
But it is not six months ago.
It is now, and now I miss you.
I miss the way you called randomly just to ask how my day was.
I miss the way you seemed to care, even if you didn’t.
I miss the friendship and the secrets and the stories.
And maybe one day things will be different.
Maybe you’ll call me on a Tuesday afternoon and ask how my day was.
These are the things I think about before my eyes slowly close and I am finally rewarded with sleep.
But for right now?
Go fuck yourself.
Regent Street, London, 1913-1914, Isaac Israels. Dutch (1865 - 1934)
Anonymous asked: I hope you have the most absolutely wonderful Christmas ever
Wayyy too late, on this but the holidays were wonderful. thank you kindly
Herbstblätter auf grünem Grund / Autumn Leaves on a Green Background, Augusto Giacometti. Swiss (1877 - 1947)